he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
