Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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