My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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