My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
