I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
