I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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