I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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