Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
