I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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