The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
