I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
