Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
