I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
