Someone shit on the floor
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
