it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
