I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize