Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
