So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
