remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
