people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
even my farts smell like vagina
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize