i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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