Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
