I think I died a long time ago.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
