i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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