fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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