he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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