make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
