i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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