The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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