I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
