my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
