in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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