can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
