i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
