when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
