At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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