I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
