He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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