If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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