so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
