My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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