When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
