I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The air taste purple.
Randomize
