Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
