I like my sex mixed with concussions.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Mom said you looked used
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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