apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
