If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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