just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
