Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
