Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
