She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize