Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
