I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
