I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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