does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
