I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
