just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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