the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Randomize
