I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
