My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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