stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i will never coherently bang her
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
i've created a new STD.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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