So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
