I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Randomize
