what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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