it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
