i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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