someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
