uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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